This is when I really miss my mom. Like a smoker misses a cigarette, knowing it's bad for her, even after years of not smoking. Who still remembers the thrill of inhaling smoke and taste and nicotine; the power of exhaling, dragon-like, into the air. The business of something to do while waiting: the pack, the cigarette, the lighter, the engagement of hand and mouth. (Yeah, I still remember and its been decades since I touched a cigarette, and I was never a full-time smoker.)
Mom's psychic ability was my crutch, my personal peek into the future. Even when it was flawed or wrong, it was something to cling to while waiting for life to manifest itself.
Now, there's only me to whom I can ask the question, "What's going to happen?" And I'm not good at answering. I'm better at answering how I feel, what my gut tells me, but even that changes depending on how stressed or excited I am. I've consulted my cards, and they give me patterns; they reveal the confusion and fear I've been under. The guile and diplomacy required in job interviews. The potential of being a hardworking apprentice that makes less. The nebulous fluidity of mood that is the Moon. The competition I'm up against.
The cards have told me for a long time that I will work as an apprentice, either because I'm new at the tasks I take on or because my wages are going to be entry level again. Maybe both! At the moment, this could apply to either of the situations I'm pursuing. A man will be the boss. Ditto on that one.
What my mom was so brilliant at was traveling down both paths for her client. If she was here, she could tell me which job is the best fit, will make me the most satisfied, has the most potential for growth. Sometimes that information is surprising—because it might not be what you expect. It might be that the comforting, reliable, job is the best one, even if it isn't the most exciting.
However, just because she could see down both roads didn't mean she could predict which one would end up the winner. If it was a level playing field, then her advice could really facilitate a decision. But if one job was going to be offered and the other withheld, she might not be so good at predicting that—especially for me. She wanted me to get what I want.
As I've said before, you still have to endure the life that occurs until whatever happens happens. You have to make the journey. You may as well "give it up to God" and let it all flow, let go of the fear and stress and wait to see what will happen. You can't do much about it, once you've put on your best show, sent the thank-you notes, revealed your enthusiasm and capability.
I guess I still believe in destiny. If I'm supposed to get the job I want, I will. If I don't, there's a reason. Pattern-making human as always, justifying the outcome. If I don't get either? Well, that will suck. But it won't be the first time.
Sometimes I think it will go one way, sometimes the other. I don't know if my gut is telling me how it's going to end up or whether I'm just bracing myself for disappointment.—or if I just don't want to look at what I really feel because it's not what I want. Another reason to stop making myself crazy and just wait and see.
So, yeah, I wish my mom was here to tell me. But I know in my heart it would only be something to do while in the waiting room, a smoke to soothe my nerves. It wouldn't change anything.
